Today i paid bills.
You need to know this to appreciate the following story.
i paid all the big bills i could, and will quiver until we can pay the house payment on the 15th.
Things are tight.
They are tight all over America.
None the less, as i went around town taking care of errands, i had to hit the bakery,which led me to the 'home store' in the same building.
i have kept out of there due to pain and tears every time i walk in and see some of the beautiful things they have that i am unable to buy-- or even emulate with cheaper items- last year and this year.
This year, they had a tree full of birds.

Not just any birds. Glass, German hand blown clip on birds.
i have a few.
A lot.
My mom started collecting them when the grandparents had the floral shop, and then hunting them down for years.
Eventually, my sister Teri and i found a shop (Norney's) in Stanford that imported only the best German goodies year after year (they shut down about 16 years ago).
We were young and single, and had the money to buy the beautiful hand carved items, the specialty things, the *real* ornaments that will last my family for generations.
And over time, mom added to my pile of goodies as well.
But the birds, well, we never found them often enough, nor the right ones.

So i was shocked to see them on the tree in this store- and the price was reasonable.
i can forego dinner out Wednesday-- it was under $10.00
Must the be rotten economy.

Now, the area where i live is HEAVILY populated by the rich and powerful.
The gay community (double incomes no kids) is here, as is the UPPER middle class that cashed in their stock options before the crash, lived in one overpriced house while they bought another one outright so they could tear it down and build an overpriced MANSION crowd.
Their kids all take Karate and ice skating and play baseball and football and mom goes to the private gym and they still have their Explorers and money to burn.
They get on the neighborhood list and ask where they can find imported hand carved fitted windows made by elves that are celibate and only eat the finest chocolates and create the windows one at a time while whistling.
They want to buy 5.
These are the folks that shop in this store.  The Excessive consumption consortium. The  people that buy $100.00 pairs of sox and then justify it by claiming that the wool is 'better for the feet' or some such bullshit.
So, there i am, considering buying *one* small ornament for the first time in 2 years to cheer myself up, and i walk up to the front counter.
i paid in cash. The mid 50's guy behind the counter (and his too-blonde wife nearby?) are  pleasant and charming as i pull out my little 1's.

While he's ringing it, i see this on the counter:
So, looking down at this ridiculous 'christmas tradition" in a designer jar with 3 colored paper shredds protecting the pickel, i say oh so casually "Oh my- what a waste" and the man doesn't get it.
i say "Christmas PICKLE? Really-  with all the real things and important purchases"...
and this guy picks it up and says "What? This is a German tradition, says so right here on the label" and STARTS TO READ ME  THE CANNED ADVERTISEMENT!
" This jar has a lot of history behind it so here's the pickle "legend". A very old Christmas eve tradition in Germany was to hide a pickle [ornament] deep in the branches of the family Christmas Tree. The parents hung the pickle last after all the other ornaments were in place. In the morning they knew the most observant child would receive an extra gift from St. Nicholas. The first adult who finds the pickle traditionally gets good luck for the whole year. "

OMG! What kind of idiot buys that????
(For you idiots that are now at Wikipedia and thinking that since it's there it must be real, try this page next: )
http://german.about.com/library/blgermyth11.htm


i think he is kidding, ya know? i am OBVIOUSLY making a comment on our social times and how shallow it is to even offer for sale such a useless fake item, and this guy keeps going on about Germany and it's full traditions.
i mention that i have family there, which is when the wife grabs my bag and says "Do you want your ornament?" in the kind of tone that says she would like to stomp on it first.
i am agast at their lack of clue. i am appalled that they actually are selking something so completely wasteful and utterly bogus during this time in our nation's history.

These are the folks- and the neighborhood- that WILL have icy sugar candies for sale  at prices no one can afford if and when starving children begin to roam the neighborhood- ya know?
They are the arrogant ones, that do not see the real need in front of them, and do not care to stoop down and look.
The encourage people to spend foolishly and on crap while economically we sink.

i want to help them. i think i will start marketing

"The Christmas Turd".



Now, while i THOUGHT of this stupid idea on the way home in the car, as you can see, it has apparently been around at LEAST one generation, making it actually MORE REAL than the fucking pickle!
>>  http://archives.neuralgourmet.com/2006/12/21/the_story_of_the_christmas_tur <<


(With the packaging as i imagine it ):

"The Christmas turd is a yearly tradition of classical porportions as family members try to find the relic and thereby pick the person who hands out presents each year. Traditionally small, there are art works of interest surrounding the American tradition (  http://noticethings.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/crappy-morning/   ) as well as thousands of examples in the US manufactured daily in rememberance of this joyful and heartfelt expression of the holidays.

Bring fun and harmony to your family with a special iconic ornament, focusing on the tradition  that everyone can participate in, young and old alike. The healthy aroma will roust your pets and give a special outdoor feel to the family Christmas Tree each year."


i figure that if i work on it,  i can steal the 30's advertising of another "Christmas Classic"- or maybe even have some product placement with them (after all, they ALWAYS have REINDEER!).





Spend your money wisely folks.... make a turd, don't buy one.