Feyrie had a day...
and i think i know this day.


"So I follow a link on someone's LJ and get the following message,

"VIEWING THIS ITEM REQUIRES PRIVLEDGES YOU DO NOT POSESS"

Aw hell.
I went apeshit fucking CRAZY at that point.

Billy Joel had it right in that song.
i sing it a lot these days.
i worry that we will lose the house, and then i worry about where the hell i will PUT everything.... but not about anything else.
It would, in a sense, be easier in a lot of ways.

i have a life waiting out there somewhere. i look forward to finding it.
Right now, i have to get to bed, lose the weight i put on when AJ left, get my flexibility up to snuff.... get my car back, get health insurance, a job, and a sense of humor over these bleak days.
But then again, the Universe always does send interesting things when i least expect them.

Samhain, All Hallows, Halloween, Fall Harvest, etc-- it's my favorite holiday and i love it more than any other time... but the focus, the work, the party to attend, the fear of financial woes, and distractions seemed to rob me of it this year. No photos either (my lack of camera is becoming VERY distractive and makes me feel a serious loss)...
so here:)



Me in a previous life!

Halloween motif-- note the ceiling decorations in this OBGYN office.
http://community.livejournal.com/halloween_fan/576964.html

( Queens will love this.... )
Having just gotten back from a long brisk walk down to the bank and back for all of our safe deposit stuff (just in case we lose the free box, i don't want the hassle of getting out the birth videos, a ton of coins, and our passports), and i am meeting with allikitty tonight for dinner.
I called the bank today and left a message to contact for talking about the mortgage.
We are 2 months behind-- but they have some new plans including just putting the payments at the end of existing mortgage... so i hope things will work out and we will save the house.
Then i can file bankruptcy on the rest of this shit and get a checking account back!
Being 'poor' costs more than being 'wealthy'. ( Just me doing the mental accounting... )
( flying without a net )

i have been reading more again- just finishing "The Third Man" by Graham Greene now. Lovely usage of language arts and the narrative form is to DIE for the way he jumps around-- and i got a new word "mortmain" (look it up). Reading older fiction often broadens the senses and provides interesting commentary on the historical views as well.

Time: 8:30 PM
Place : Doors of Edges, located at the end of Wonderland Forest.
Scene: Tea Party in Progress.

Me and my partner, Joe Friday, got a call to roll to the edge of the forest on a 69-69: Assault and rape.
We left the caterpillar's donut shop (eat one on the left, then one on the right, then one on the left, then one on the right) and drove over to get an official statement from the victim, one Alice.

Arriving on the scene, we found the girl in tears, badly beaten, sipping tea with several mad hatters and a variety of other young ladies, all of them dressed more appropriately than the vic.
With only a bra, torn tights, her half apron,  and little black 'mary jane' shoes, she told a harrowing story.

At approximately half past (half past what we aren't sure, the big hand on the clock was stuck with jam) while walking through Wonderland forest on her way to said tea party, she was set upon by a woman in red with a crown yelling 'OFF with her DRESS!" and 3 unknown males who descended on her without warning.
Screaming, she was stripped of said dress, a blue and white gingham purchased at the "Over the Rainbow" little girls dress shop, and then beaten about the head and shoulders by the 3 male assailants as they ripped at her clothes and began the sexual abuse.
Her description follows:
"Yes, there were three of them, all laughing manically and dancing about as they beat me, spalled me, and then threw me to the ground on my hands and knees."
"The ring leader, a white guy with a very hairy face, started demanding first tea bagging rights and sat on my face, forcing his furry dick down my throat as the other big guy, a man in an oversized coat and a large top hat began anally raping me.
I never saw the 3d one well- just a smile."
"They screamed  that i was to 'move down' or 'move up' and that there was 'no room! No room!" as they penetrated me over and over- no wonder there was no room! They filled every hole they could!. "
"I fought and fought , and caught a piece of tail" (at which point the victim produced a white furry tail allegedly pulled from the first assailants ass during the assault. It has been labeled and stored as "Exhibit 1"), "then started to cry as i felt the warm semen running down my legs."
"One of them tried to enter me and started pounding on my head yelling "more butter! I need more butter!" when he couldn't force himself into me, and i remember at one point hearing a small tinny voice singing a strange little song... it was sort of like "Twinkle Twinkle little bat, rape that bitch right where she's at, Up and over, under too, fuck her till her face is blue, twinkle twinkle little bat, hope she likes it nice and fat'.
"I was crying and crying and beating my hands on the ground, and one of them threw a tea towel at me yelling "clean it up!" as they ran off into the woods."
We took her whole statement, advised her to stay with the others in the well lit party site, and notified CSI Wonderland to roll on the case.

Poor kid. Wonderland isn't the nice safe place it used to be. For Alice, walking safetly through the dark woods just wasn't in the cards.

Victim: "Alice" (No last name- victim apparently suffering from amnesia).

Suspects:
Hatter (rounding up all known hatters as of 1900 hours)
Rabbit (setting leg hold traps in Wonderland recreational area for any /all rabbits weighing more than 40 lbs. Possible suspect: "Harvey")
? (Suspect description:  "Nothing but a smile".).



Scene report for 10/ 31/ 09

Happy Halloween everyone!

i can't find Halloween this year.( it apparently is wearing a costume i am unfamiliar with this season )( Fuckin' awesome Asimov thoughts )


</dd></dl>

Slavery is something i am struggling to maintain in my heart these days-- having no one to serve, and no where to put that energy, it becomes stale and forgets how to flow.
i am withering in that respect, and maybe that too is what needs to happen-- maybe i need to have some one re-invent me afresh.
Maybe i am past that time and won't see that side of me perform again.


Or maybe i am having, to quote "Two and a half Men", " ...the emotional stability of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab".

</div>

Last night while sitting at Subspace, listening to folks, i started to consider what has been missing from my 'dating' life-
i think i have at least one of the things finally nailed down.
   

i drive around town sometimes, and i see folks behind the wheel with no serious concern. They don't look around and keep track of the road, they aren't paying attention to the next light, the crosswalks, the bikes on the side. They don't anticipate that they need to change lanes when the see the delivery truck parked in the lane ahead, and don't change speeds as they come and go through areas.
The do not drive like they mean it. 
 
i get that lately from my dating life- people who do not date like they mean it.  
Can i quantify that at all?
Yes, i think so. 
i want to date people who are focused on dating me, find me a main attraction, and want that feeling of excitement when they think of me, when they consider the future. 
i want to be a needful thing to them, someone who they would really work HARD to spend an evening with, someone they would have a problem not thinking about every day. 
i don't want them to be so obsessed that they blow off work or important vital things in their life-- but i don't want to be the casual easy date they have when all else fails either. 
Feeling important to the person i date is high on the list of early green flags. It tells me that the chemistry i feel is reciprocated, it tells me that they have a place in their life that is empty and that needs to be filled with someone specifically, and that they are now focused on considering that the specific one is me.
 
Do i expect to find that from a first date?
 
Yes, i think i do. If i am not something totally different, completely exciting, and 'magical' enough to capture that feeling from the start, i doubt that the relationship will ever blossom.
 
There are walls we all have, patterns of how we act, and scars from the baggage that bangs against our hearts just as surely as if the battered torn leather suitcase was catching on our legs with every step.  

Some of us will settle for a friend that lends a hand, for a partner we can depend on to just not leave-and little else. 
Some of us will demand heat and passion and fire, but have no ability to sustain that through our lives before we fall into old habits. 
 
Some of us are willing to walk through fire to see that need in another's eyes, to 'yearn' again as we did when we were young, to put that baggage into a locker at the emotional bus station and hand the claim check over to someone else to hold. 
 
Some of us still believe in the love songs from our youth, still find ourselves humming the promises of those tunes, still lie awake nights and find the moon romantic and the sky a vast space we do not wish to traverse alone.
 
i don't want to be the beta, i don't want to be the default date, i don't want to be the safe spot.
 

i want to be someone's passion, someone's focus.
i want to be loved like you mean it.

It's only 10 years since it came out in 1998.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strangeland

How fucked up are you if you want to watch this every time it comes on TV just cause it gets you wet?
Worse, i have FRIENDS that Do some of this stuff for sexual entertainment... 5th angel sewing his wifes mouth shut comes to mind (she is fully voluntary in those scenes BTW).
I've done #8 hooks in my flesh, needles in lots of pink places (until i was so high you could have fucked me with a hot poker and it would have felt good), and most of us have worked with Fakir or watched as he branded/ tatted/ skewered someone.
You would think this movie could have been our high holy art.

Sadly, as an orgasm movie, it has too much plot.:(



Wanna sign up for the sequel? They have 76 roles open in open auditions right now.
Captain Howdy's lookin' for ya!

Got some decorating done on the porch today:

  Home made candy corn construction paper containers. Will be filling them up with 'popcorn' and candy tomorrow.

Sadly, I keep thinking "this might well be our last halloween here".
I have GOT to get more positive outlook!

Well, i came down with a sore throat Friday and by the end of munch i wanted to curl up and die-- i begged off of the movies with friends and crawled home, hoping i would feel better cause i had to work Sat.
Sat.  morning i was so bad i didn't want to get out of bed- i called in. i think Tony hates me by now.
Luckily i had done the cats with lots of time just before the munch, so i knew they would be good until Greg got home Saturday and i didn't have to plan another trip over. Sweet kitties.... i have got all but one of them to actually sit on my lap for at least a millisecond!
The one that i don't have that with i have gotten some lovely parting gifts down my left arm from.

So i slept all day Sat and most of Sunday and feel much better now- i think i can take on the world in the morning again.

meanwhile, i got sucked in with this joke:

TORONTO , ONTARIO (CP) -

             A seven-year-old Toronto , Ontario boy was at the center of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. 

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents & the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents & he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family & learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

************
Then there was this fetlife chat about negotiations that led to this web site where you can get negotiations T-shirts:)

~~~~~
i have come to the conclusion, just from reading a bit on Fetlife this week, that i have become a social hermit.
Yep- i stick to my munch, i go to a few free gatherings, but i havent hit a big party or left town for kink in ages...
no wonder i am having trouble meeting new partners.
i think most of that is the financial thing. it wears down on everything else, and even if i had the time, i don't want to leave town, i want to keep at it.

So.... we shall see how fall falls out.
 

One of my LEAST favorite things is meetings with the district over IEP issues.
They invariably change things and then swear since it's not in the IEP, it never happened.

i got caught on that AGAIN today with the need for executive level skills. I swear- i need to read these things THREE times.
i got a rotten nights sleep getting ready for it-- too bad really, since i am also hot and bothered almost all the time.
My dreams are only rivaled by Courtney's for depth of sexual strangeness.
i need more real time contact.

But, i digress.

'So i got myself down there, and we decided on what i THINK i want, that he will be slowly re-integrated into mainstream publicschool, NO special education classes, NO mandatory counseling or anything obvious that would stigmatize him..... but you know how that goes- by the time they implement things, they will swear that i asked for my son to be bussed to Afghanistan as a front line soldier wearing a used wedding dress and singing like Judy garland. And they will have him on a plane before they mention it to me.

Sunday was NOT a lazy day today.

Yes, we slept in (well, slept, Hitachi, slept, Hitachi) and goofed off for a while, but eventually, i got my darling  recalcitrant son out of the house and into the studio (studio: artist's or worker's workroom, or an artist and his or her employees who work within that studio. This can be for the purpose of architecture, painting, pottery (ceramics), sculpture, photography, graphic design, cinematography, animation, radio or television broadcasting or the making of music.

The word studio is derived from the Italian: studio, from Latin: studium, from studere, meaning to study or zeal.

The French term for studio, atelier, in addition to designating an artist's studio is used to characterize the studio of a fashion designer. Atelier also has the connotation of being the home of an alchemist or wizard.).
 
to get some work done out there. It has not been my studio since the day we finished it, as by then, my dad had dumped all of the family items still around on me when he left town.
So, from day one, it's been  all storage, and since we gave up the paid storage place as well, it has been a wall to wall nightmare.
With Halloween coming (HERE! NOW! WEEEE! ) it was time to dig in there and pull out the 5+ boxes of Halloween things stored in there.
More is in the garage, and some in the attic, but the big plastic buckets with the dishes and bowls were all behind the last 10 months worth of furniture, christmas stuff, and paintings.
So we spent 2 and a half hours pulling out everything we could (dining table that Y. is going to take, rocking chair, 2 Eastlake chairs, framed pics, antiques, lamps, and 18  large plastic storage containers of Christmas stuff) digging near to the back wall so we could get out the Halloween stuff and sort of organize the room better.
It's not perfect-- but i am looking forward to selling off a few more things and having fun with the Halloween stuff NOW.

 

It is a full moon tonight, and it has reflected on the whole day.
Sitting here at midnight, high, sated, those lovely pheremones running through me, chapped lips, wet, achy, hazy brained, i gotta admit, the moon has to be exerting her influence on me.


The day started out with fun in the air, as T. and i met up at 9:30 (well, closer to 10 by the time i walked down to the Noah's Bagels) for a lovely drive up to the city for the GRAND OPENING of the Disney Family Museum



in the Presidio of Fort Mason, SF.



( When you wish upon a star you get a new Museum in the heart of SF )

By Jo Tweedy
Last updated at 1:04 PM on 29th September 2009

It's a long way from the cartoon fun that plays out daily under the Florida sun. But the Walt Disney Family Museum, which opens in San Francisco on October 1st, is aiming to offer fans the biggest insight yet into the man behind Mickey Mouse.
Unlike much of the rest of the Disney empire, which now includes theme parks in America, France, Japan and Hong Kong, as well as a fleet of cruise liners, the museum is aimed at grown ups, offering a nostalgic look back over the history of one of the world's most popular brands.
The museum is located in Presidio, San Francisco, which forms part of the National Recreation Area around the city's famous Golden Gate Bridge. Although there isn't a Disney theme park in the city, the site is close to the heart of Diane Disney Miller, the daughter of Walt Disney, who is a resident of Northern California.
"My father has one of the most well known names around the world, but as the Disney brand has grown the man has become lost," said Disney Miller.
"We are committed to telling the story of Walt Disney's life, in his own words and the words of others who knew him well and worked with him. My father was very open, and in the many conversations and interviews that you will hear in the galleries, you learn the story of his life.
"Thanks to the amazing work of many dedicated people, we are fortunate to be able to tell it here using the tools he worked with - art, music, film, and technology - to present an honest yet affectionate portrait of this amazing artist and man".
Built in a former military barracks overlooking San Francisco Bay, the museum showcases previously unseen works including sketches of Steamboat Willy - the early incarnation of Mickey Mouse, plus a giant model of the Disneyland theme park and hundreds of audio clips from Walt Disney himself.
Set across nine galleries, other museum highlights include a series of telegrams and cartoons mourning Disney's death in 1966, doodles by Salvador Dali and a replica of the ambulance the animator drove in France following World War I.

For younger visitors, the museum has interactive displays which enables them to sync music to cartoons in the way the masterful animator himself would once have done.

“It’s really not a children’s museum, it’s a family museum,” says director Richard Benefield. “We think most of the people who come here will be 45 to 65 years old.”
Open from 10am to 6pm daily, admission costs $20 for adults and $12.50 for children aged 6 to 17. Children under six go free.

The Walt Disney Family Museum opens on October 1st. For more information, visit www.disney.go.com/disneyatoz/familymuseum/index.html

In honor of it being Halloween month, here's some more:



Galleries 3 New Horizons: The Emergence of the Walt Disney Studio (1928 to 1940)
The success of Mickey Mouse let Walt Disney expand the newly renamed Walt Disney Studios and improve the quality of Studio animations, so he embarked on a series of ambitious projects, including the “Silly Symphonies,” one-reel shorts that let him experiment with images, music, and story lines. In the following years, the Studio created the first Technicolor cartoons, introduced a multiplane camera to create the illusion of depth in animated films, and developed distinctive styles of movement and personality in their characters. Also in this period, Walt and Lillian’s family grew to include daughters Diane and Sharon.

The continuing success of Walt’s cartoons led to a revolution in the art and technology of animation. Vintage artifacts, animation art, character merchandise, and family photos chronicle the creative explosion of the 1930s, Walt’s sudden world fame, and Diane and Sharon.
All images © Disney Enterprises, courtesy of the Walt Disney Family Museum
Visit the official Walt Disney Family Museum website and follow it on Twitter and Facebook.</div>


i forgot i had a date tonight with H.
OMG... He was adorable, totaly understood how late we were,and had me go home and shower and then call when i was ready to get picked up. THAT'S a great dominant!

We went out to dinner... and snuggled... and talked... and necked... and talked... and then we drove over to the lovely park right in front of the Santa Clara City Police Department, parked the car, and did a fair re-creation of the Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard light" under the full moon. For 3 hours.... and things have changed again in our relationship.

i don't think either of us knows what that MEANS, but we sure as hell felt it.
Happy Holidays.

Thought those of you who have never been would like to see a normal street shot of how the crowds get by 3 pm or so.....

This from the Big Guy. Captain Bald Guy rides again. God i love the resolution he gets....
as well as a few things he gives.

( Boys Boys Boys )</div>

Back to open door posts.


But i swear-- any more crap, and the wall comes back.